Normal Service Will Resume...

today!

I apologise for being such a bad blogger but life has a habit of getting in the way sometimes. Last week was my birthday and it was followed 2 days later by the 1st anniversary of my brothers death. The actual day itself was OK. Not good but OK. However the days building up to it were terrible.

I felt very guilty in the days leading up to my birthday. Emotions ranging from guilt to anger. I shouldn’t enjoy my birthday. I shouldn’t want to enjoy my birthday. Why shouldn’t I enjoy my birthday? How could he have done this at the time that he did? Why couldn’t he choose some other not relevant time period in which to kill himself? One that didn’t involve someone’s birthday, or major holiday or well, any day on or around a time when people should be able to enjoy their time?

Ridiculous I know. There would never be a good time. No time is ever right to decide to end your life.

Anyway, this is not going to turn into a depressing post. Life and death is what it is. I have to accept the fact that each year I will have my birthday knowing what is coming in the next couple of days. It will get easier. I know it will. I know Matt would not want me to feel wracked with guilt every birthday. He loved me. He would want me to be happy, even if he wasn’t happy in himself.

The first of everything is always the worst and I think because this was the last of the firsts it was very hard for all of us. However, I spoke to my mum the day after and we both noted how we felt lighter. As if some sort of load had been lifted. I do think the anticipation of an event can often be much worse than the actual event itself. And we are all so much stronger than we think we are. We are able to handle so much more than we give ourselves credit for.

Richard and I watched the season 5 finale of Grey’s Anatomy the other night. Yes, I know it’s fiction and yes, it might not be a truly christian way of putting things and yes, it's schmalzy but somewhere in there is a very important thing we should all be saying to the special people in our lives. I've lost 2 of the most important men in my life (my dad and my brother) and yes I did say it but you can never say it enough. In Meredith’s final words of the show:

“Did you say it?
I love you.
I don’t ever want to live without you.
You changed my life.
Did you say it?
Make a plan, set a goal, work toward it.
But every now and then look around.
Drink it in.
‘Cos this is it.
It might all be gone tomorrow.”

So did you say it?

It's Too Early So I Can Be Forgiven For Overreacting!

All those who know, and love me, know that I'm not a morning person so it may surprise you all to know that it is now 5:55 am and I have been up and out of bed for over an hour!

There is very little that can induce me to do this, in fact short of a miracle it just doesn't happen. But one exception to the rule is a sick child. And my middle daughter is one sick child. Truth be told she scared the life out of me this morning. She scared me last night too but not as much as this morning.

She's poorly. Just a cold I thought yesterday until she went to bed last night and then woke up hallucinating! Temperature in the high 39s, freaking out about a dream and a mountain crushing her... spaced out in the bathroom... "why is the bathroom so big, mum?"... "I'm scared, the toilet is so big"... "Will you pray for me?"... I top her up with Calprofen, pray, go back downstairs to small group and pray some more...

I'm not expecting to get any sleep but thankfully I do until 4:45 am this morning when she comes in complaining that she can't breathe very well. I take her temperature. It's a whopping 40.3!!! I look up on the NHS support website.

Fever (high temperature) in children? Check.
Is your child having difficulty breathing? Check
Advice: Call 999!!! 

Erm... Oh. My. Goodness. Now, I didn't completely overreact. I didn't call 999. She could talk, she was walking around, but I did call the NHS helpline direct and spoke to a nurse. Once they ascertained that I wasn't concerned that it was swine flu (which if I'm honest a tiny part of my mind did go there...) they started reeling off a whole host of questions, all of which made me start to think that perhaps I overreacted... albeit only very slightly... maybe... Harriet does have a tendency to the melodramatic. Anyway, upshot is another dose of medication, took her temperature half an hour or so later and it had dropped back down under 40 (not low enough for my liking though) and she is now in bed asleep. And me?

Me? I'm wide awake! And seeing in the dawn... a novel experience!

We're Getting A New Addition To The Family

No. I am not expecting another baby. Well, not a human baby at least :D

We've bought a cat. Actually she's more of a kitten right now:

This is Bella. Zawadi Isabella to give her her full title. She is 5 weeks old and is a Bengal cat, a brown marble, and she is very, very beautiful. We have to wait until the 10th July before she's ready to come home with us though.

Red Velvet Cupcakes

With white chocolate cream cheese frosting:

Yummy!

Tours and Hazards

We have my two nieces staying with us at the moment, Billie (aged 6) and Perrie (aged 12).

Noah was telling Billie about taking her on a tour of his school while they were going to Easter club. The conversation went something like this:

Noah: I'll take you on a tour of my school if you'd like?
Billie: What's a tour?
Noah: Well, it's like if I took you on a tour of my house I'd show you where everything was, like the toilet and stuff, and where all the hazards are.
Billie: Oh
Noah: I can tell you one hazard! NEVER bother my mum at night! Unless you have had a bad dream or there's something wrong.

My Mother's Day (Late Post)

Yes, Mother's day was weeks ago but hey, I'm a mum, I'm busy!

I had one of the most fantastic mother's days ever. But top of my pleasures was the two poems that Noah and Harriet wrote for me. First Harriet's:

Your lots of fun!
Our mum is really cool.
Underestimated love.
Rest today, you rule!
Dangerous, I know, we are.
Always; I shout in the car.
U never get mad.
Go mum!
Happy smiles, laughs and fun
Till we drop down on the floor
Everyone laughs some more.
Ready 2 go.
Loving to show,
Ordinary skill!
Very beautiful,
Everyone adores u!
Still the mum we loved forever!
Your
Our
Understanding mum!

And if you look at the poem the first letters of each line spell out 'YOUR DAUGHTER LOVES YOU' - how cute is that? She also wrote in her card 'I love you, this poem isn't great! It's all I could think of. It's kind of messy and uneat, but I hope you see the love underneath these words!'.

And now for Noah's: (he opens it with the words 'and tada!'

Oh I no my mum is grete
she is not fish bait
and if she was a animale
she would be in a crate.

Hmmmm... not sure what his point is there but hey, it rhymes :D

Lost Generation

This one is courtesy of Katarina who was shown this at a youth event in February. It has really stuck with her, and Richard and I? We think it's pretty cool and clever!