I apologise for being such a bad blogger but life has a habit of getting in the way sometimes. Last week was my birthday and it was followed 2 days later by the 1st anniversary of my brothers death. The actual day itself was OK. Not good but OK. However the days building up to it were terrible.
I felt very guilty in the days leading up to my birthday. Emotions ranging from guilt to anger. I shouldn’t enjoy my birthday. I shouldn’t want to enjoy my birthday. Why shouldn’t I enjoy my birthday? How could he have done this at the time that he did? Why couldn’t he choose some other not relevant time period in which to kill himself? One that didn’t involve someone’s birthday, or major holiday or well, any day on or around a time when people should be able to enjoy their time?
Ridiculous I know. There would never be a good time. No time is ever right to decide to end your life.
Anyway, this is not going to turn into a depressing post. Life and death is what it is. I have to accept the fact that each year I will have my birthday knowing what is coming in the next couple of days. It will get easier. I know it will. I know Matt would not want me to feel wracked with guilt every birthday. He loved me. He would want me to be happy, even if he wasn’t happy in himself.
The first of everything is always the worst and I think because this was the last of the firsts it was very hard for all of us. However, I spoke to my mum the day after and we both noted how we felt lighter. As if some sort of load had been lifted. I do think the anticipation of an event can often be much worse than the actual event itself. And we are all so much stronger than we think we are. We are able to handle so much more than we give ourselves credit for.
Richard and I watched the season 5 finale of Grey’s Anatomy the other night. Yes, I know it’s fiction and yes, it might not be a truly christian way of putting things and yes, it's schmalzy but somewhere in there is a very important thing we should all be saying to the special people in our lives. I've lost 2 of the most important men in my life (my dad and my brother) and yes I did say it but you can never say it enough. In Meredith’s final words of the show:
“Did you say it?
I love you.
I don’t ever want to live without you.
You changed my life.
Did you say it?
Make a plan, set a goal, work toward it.
But every now and then look around.
Drink it in.
‘Cos this is it.
It might all be gone tomorrow.”
So did you say it?
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