The funeral for my brother was held yesterday. It went as well as can be expected but was a very difficult day for us all. The last 2 weeks have been very difficult with a lot of questions, 'what-ifs' and replaying of scenarios going around and around in my mind.
For some things I will probably never have any answers. I will never know exactly what events contributed to him finally feeling he had no other option but to take his own life. I will never know whether if I had called him more often it would have made a difference. He was troubled, he never really did come to terms with my dad's death, he did make choices in his life that weren't good for him. This was so final though.
It does seem that some weeks prior he had taken steps to try to turn his life around. He did make an appointment with a doctor. Said he needed help. Said he needed counselling. Said he wanted to stop the drugs. But the system failed him. 12 weeks later he had still heard nothing. Would it have made a difference? I'd like to think so. I know that I didn't see him as often as I should. But I miss him, miss knowing that he was there, however much in the background. I wish I had one more chance to hug him. To tell him that I love him no matter what.
I remember the cheeky little boy he was (I was 5 and a half when he was born). The accident prone little monkey, always up to something, who insisted that his full name was Matthew Mortlock Brett, not accepting the Brett should be in the middle. The boy who when his mates would use bad language in front of me would tell them off for doing so. The man he turned in to, the one who was not ashamed to kiss his mum, dad or sisters and tell them he loved them - not caring even if his mates were watching. A man who loved his daughters, his little princesses, and no matter what he was going through himself made sure to keep in touch with.
Time heals, I know. I've lived through this before when my dad died. But it doesn't take away the loss, you still feel it, it just becomes something you learn to live with.
