Just Not Feeling It

I'm trying to but it's just not happening for me this year. I'm fairly sure I know why but knowing why doesn't help me to deal with things and start to get in to Christmas.

I think it's in large part due to this being the first Christmas without my brother. I don't need to expand on that I know. This feeling of moroseness hasn't been helped by the sudden death of my cousin last weekend either.

Apart from that I'm tired. We're all tired. The children are in varying stages of illness, Noah being the worst hit at the moment. Seemingly fine(ish) during the day but very high temperatures at night (around the 39.7 mark), he was almost delirious the night before last. This has meant getting up in the night to see to him, dose him up with Calpol, cool him down with cold flannels and generally just spend some time calming him. It scares me. Which means I can't then sleep afterwards. Which means that basically that from whatever time he wakes up in the middle of the night until morning comes around, I'm not sleeping. At all. I'm just laying there, imagining all the worse case scenarios. I know. It's ridiculous. Some would even say stupid but with the year I've had I just can't help it. I tell myself surely nothing else can happen? That I know in my head he'll be fine but then I lie there sick to my stomach, heart pounding and the fear just grips me. Until the morning comes around and I see that he's picked up again. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight.

Then there's all the visitors. This is the main drawback of living away from family. When they come they don't (they can't really) just come for a day, they come for longer. Now this isn't normally a problem but in the last three weeks, I've had 2 different sets of visitors, both staying for around a week at a time and it's hard work. The last visitor, Richard's dad, went back home to Germany today but I only have tomorrow to do a turn around, laundry wise, and then my mum and step-dad arrive on Thursday to spend a few days or so with us. So by the end of this week I will have had visitors, each staying for around a week, for 3 weeks out of a 4 week period.

On a positive note I'm done with Christmas shopping. Both presents and food. On another down note I've not wrapped one single item yet. I've hardly sent out any cards, around a handful. Partly because I put the pressure on myself to make them and partly because I've either been too busy (with work etc.) or too tired or just not motivated to actually sit down and write them. I'm hoping to maybe do this tomorrow. Yes, they will be late but at least they will get sent - eventually!

I'm sure on Christmas morning on seeing the happy faces of my beautiful family I will start to feel it but not now. Not yet. Still too much to do.

Sorry, it's a miserable post but I need to get it off my chest.

I'm going to bed soon, please pray that we all get a good nights sleep and are all well and on the road to health come morning.

OK, off now to try and do something about reclaiming my joy!